Young Writers Society

Wow. I know it's been a while, and I'm sorry! I was away on a school trip to Italy, then I had an AP exam on European History and then - believe it or not - I went to Florida for a long weekend. But I missed this site, so I'm reviving my membership on here, you could say.

I'm actually entering this poem in a contest, and I wanted to say thank you to everyone who gave me tips on here! I pretty much used them all I think, and did some revamping with it, especially since the line limit was thirty-two lines. So there was a lot of combining lines and such, but I think it came out much better than before -- figured I'd post the new version here! Thank you so much for your help on here, and I can't wait to start reading and writing again on here.


A Picture of My Own

Paint me a picture, oh artist,
With your all-seeing eyes
Nimble fingers so wise,
Paint me a picture on this aging blank canvas,
Give it a life; breathe into it, life,
So it will sit useless no more,

Paint me a picture, oh artist,
I’m sure there are colors on that palette of yours
That can maybe give a theme, a reason, an aim
To a canvas so plain and dim,

Paint me a sky, who’s blue never fades,
With birds that sing without fear of who hears,
Paint me flowers with beautiful blossoms
Who capture the envy of those walking by,

Paint me love, oh please paint me love
Never seen it before, but I’m dying to know
Whether it be the glow of the sun or colors of a rainbow,
Radiance of a smile or glisten of tears,
Paint me love, a love ever true
A love I can call my own,

Paint me a picture, oh artist,
Paint me a picture before time is gone;
A picture with spirit and hope
With love and ambition
With dreams and a life;
A life I’d be happy to claim
As my own.

I liked this poem a lot, too, but I agree with the person who said they didn't like the title. Perhaps you should change it to "Paint Me a Picture"? Just a suggestion; that's up to you.

Sorry, I'm not feeling very critical tonight, but it looks like the other commenters got the major points. Keep writing!

-*-*--Diana--*-*-

It feels wrong merely being in this forum...tisn't natural I say! Im a story-teller not a poet but just this once I have delved into and crossed over to...the dark side. Anywho; I find I quite like it here...which is disturbing in itself...as is the amount of times I use ellipses...Ho! There it is again. Okay now Im rambling, so to conclude: I liked this very much, but I shouldnt be here and so I shall...run.

Oh please paint me love
I don’t know what it looks like
'I don't know what it looks like' seems out of place there. I think it's just the way it is phrased. Perhaps a little rephrasing...

Whether it be the warmth of the sun
Or colors of a rainbow
Happiness in a smile
Or even pain of woe
You seem to be going along with the theme of painting visual connected with emotional things, but then you have 'warmth of the sun' and 'pain of woe,' which are all abstract. Also, the 'pain of woe' line sounds a little awkward. Try to reword it a little.

With spirit
With hope
With love
With ambition
With dreams
With life
With a life
This long list of words kind of droned after the first three. Maybe you could shorten it a bit?

Paint me a picture, oh artist
Paint me a picture
I can call my own
--
I’d be happy
To claim
As my own
I like the way you ended the poem, but the emphasis of 'my own' is taken away because of the 'my own' a few lines up in the same stanza. This was something that just disappointed me a little, but it's your choice to keep it there or not.

I liked the poem, though, honestly, I don't really like the title. It's a very interesting poem, and the title doesn't really seem to reflect the aura of it. Nice job overall. Keep writing.

That is a cute poem! I love seeing something upbeat like that. Cheers!

"Give it a life
Breathe into it, life"

Repitition. It has good potential but the repitition is.... *is scared*.

"palate"
I don't know if you spelt that right... but yeah, palate is a cool word.

"That can maybe give a theme
A reason
An aim
To a canvas so plain
And dim"

Can be (Because the 2 worded lines annoy me here):

"that give a theme, a reason, an aim
to a canvas to plain and so dim."

"Who capture the envy
Of those walking by"

I thought Envy was a verb... not a noun... (O_O) HAVE I LIVED A LIE?! *Gets dramatic during post*

In the stanza about love, I liked that. I seriously did, because love can be joyful or sorrowful, but worth it? Is it? I'd like to know (YES IT IS!)

Alright time to get Liz-i-fied.

The two worded lines have got to go, you can rearrange words and add words into them to make them appear longer. Also you can make all your lines a word or two longer (my opinon)
And there needs to be punctuation... commas, periods, semi colons, colons, those little thingys with the thingy... (Can't think of the name).

All in all I liked it.
Though I must say, I wrote one called Piano man, about a man to play a song to me!!! How weird is that?